


The Journey

by Xochiquetzl



Series: The Journey [1]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: M/M, One of My Favorites, Queer Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-11-20
Updated: 2001-11-20
Packaged: 2017-10-04 19:09:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xochiquetzl/pseuds/Xochiquetzl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first person you come out to is yourself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Journey

He'd kissed Daniel.

_So, does this mean I'm gay?_ Jack thought, and was struck with a sudden wave of panic, so he sat on the toilet seat and thought about it.

Kissing Daniel was the most natural thing in the world, and he loved every second of it. He loved Daniel. Daniel was not the problem.

Did he have a problem with gay people, some kind of homophobia of which he previously hadn't been aware? No, he **knew** gay people, had served with gay people, and by and large they had been great guys.

No, the problem was don't ask don't tell, dishonorable discharge, courtmartial, gaybashing, shit like that.

Yeah, there it was again, the wave of cold panic.

Fuck labels.

No. It wasn't the label either; in fact, if he was going to have to live with this kind of panic at the idea of whom he was in love with, he was probably going to find a label comforting in his own mind: the idea that he wasn't the only guy on earth putting up with this shit. The problem was the rest of the world. _Oh, shit. I think I'm gay._ He was opening himself up to a world of suckiness, but it wasn't like he **chose** to fall in love with Daniel. It was just an interesting little piece of information about himself that had managed to evade him all these years: he could fall in love with a guy.

He got up and looked in the mirror. Yep, still Jack O'Neill. He looked no "gayer," whatever the hell that meant, than he had before he kissed Daniel. Then he was embarrassed by how stupid the impulse to look in the mirror was. _No one will know,_ he thought, intending to comfort himself, but instead he was sad. No one would know he was in love with Daniel. How depressing.

He wasn't the only gay man on earth, if he was even gay. He could be bisexual or whatever. But he wasn't alone. Daniel had kissed him back, so Daniel already knew. Maybe he shouldn't tell Daniel what an un-PC boyfriend he was. Fuck that shit! No secrets. For all he knew Daniel was going through this, too. And "boyfriend"? Jesus! What were they, in fucking high school? Lover. Yeah. Lover was better, even though they hadn't...

He left his house then, grabbing his car keys and just driving. He used to do that as a teenager, usually after he and his parents had some stupid fight about his bedroom being too messy or his music too loud. He'd zoomed down those little winding rural roads in Minnesota, radio blaring. It was still oddly calming. Some fight or flight thing? Who knew.

Aerosmith came on then, and he had a vivid sense memory of doing this in his 1977 Buick Skylark near Wichita Falls, Texas, when he was stationed at Sheppard. Same song, "Sweet Emotion." Flat, Texas was so flat, you could see forever, windows rolled down, wind in his face, hands tapping out a rhythm on the steering wheel. He'd hated Wichita Falls, but he loved that car. He had that car when he was stationed at Hill, near Ogden, too, and had zoomed up and down Bryce Canyon, radio blaring. Why had he ever sold that car? He loved that fucking car! But it was old and falling apart, so he'd replaced it.

He felt a pang of regret, the kind you usually feel for love lost, and laughed at himself a little.

He was getting old, too; the next song was cool but he had no clue who it was. He grinned suddenly, thinking how much this song would have annoyed his parents.

"Head like a hole  
black as your soul  
I'd rather die  
Than give you control!"

He'd have to do a web search later. Maybe buy the CD off Amazon or something.

He realized he was headed into Winter Park, to Sara's, but that was okay. That was right, that kind of fit. It seemed... fair.

How long had he been driving, anyway? Maybe it was thinking about the Skylark that made him think of Sara; Sara had once seen an ad for a '77 Skylark in the classifieds and offered to buy it and fix it up for him, but he'd said no. It wasn't the same; wasn't **his** Skylark. Or maybe it was thinking of Daniel--of his lover--that brought him here to his wife. Driving in circles, huh?

He turned the radio down, and turned onto the familiar street. Sara's street. Not his, not any longer. He hadn't noticed when he'd stopped missing this house, when he stopped missing Sara and accepted. Maybe that was when he should have known about Daniel.

All the lights were off in Sara's house and it looked peaceful, and that was oddly comforting, too. He remembered back when he and Sara were dating he'd go pick some wildflowers and leave them on her windshield if he couldn't sleep. He hadn't stopped when she made some joke about "finding wilted weeds." He actually laughed out loud remembering her face as she teased him about it.

He pulled back onto the highway, but this part was too steep downhill to really speed. He had to be careful here, shift down a little. Not like the flat roads back in Minnesota or Texas. Back home he'd find himself by the side of a lake eventually and would get out and skip rocks for awhile. He wondered if he was just going to drive in circles around the mountains all night.

_Don't tell the EPA._

He pulled over and picked a few wildflowers, hoping they weren't endangered species or something. He wondered if he should leave these on Daniel's windshield. Daniel might think he was a weirdo. He **was** a weirdo. Daniel might be allergic to them. Well, fuck.

Maybe he should come up with something else. Taping chocolate to his door? Where was he going to get chocolate in the middle of the night? 7-11, maybe, but Daniel might be a chocolate snob.

He stopped at 7-11 anyway, he needed gas, and while he was there he bought some cheap candy and one of those plastic rings little kids wore, with a big fake plastic stone, the kind you get out of a bubblegum machine in the little plastic bubbles. Some of those nasty candy hearts they sell at Valentine's, too, with little kitschy slogans like "Be Mine." Yeah.

He could tuck them under Daniel's windshield wipers, like he used to do with the wildflowers, not for Sara, not really, more for himself, more because he wanted her to know that he was thinking about her. He wanted Daniel to know he was thinking of him now.

He pulled out the tiniest of the wildflowers and put them in the plastic bubble with the plastic ring, which, regrettably, would **not** fit under the wipers, but he could balance them next to the candy hearts. Daniel would probably laugh his ass off, or think he was some kind of stalker. What the hell. If Daniel didn't totally freak this might just work.

He pulled up near Daniel's building, and saw Daniel's car. He parallel parked right behind it, got out, and put the candy under the wiper and the little plastic bubble with that ridiculous ring and the flowers next to it. He'd tried roses once with Sara, and it hadn't worked. Sara liked the cheap shit better, the stuff he'd just pick up for a quarter or a buck because he was thinking of her and couldn't sleep. He liked the cheap shit better, too. It was more... the journey.

He hoped Daniel liked it, too. That he'd been thinking about him. He hoped that Daniel was prepared for a life of gumball machine romance and surprises on his windshield.

He got back in the truck, turned it on, and started flipping stations again and got some song Daniel liked by The Cure. "Close to me." Maybe he should buy that album, too. CD. Whatever. He drove back to his house, turned off the truck, went inside, and flopped down on the bed, fully clothed. It was okay. He could do this. He wanted to do this. He tried to imagine Daniel's face when he found the candy hearts, chuckled, and fell asleep.


End file.
